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Archive for the ‘jokes’ Category

My Drawing of Mohammed

Posted by Dan Draney on June 6, 2010

Mohammed's X-wing

Mohammed in his X-Wing

PLaplace’s post on the results of the Reason magazine “Everybody Draw Mohammed Day” competition reminds me that I never submitted a drawing of my own on the subject. Due to my extreme lack of artistic talent, I’ll submit one I made on my computer.

So here you have Mohammed, May the Force Be with Him, in his X-Wing fighter. It’s a little hard to spot him there in the cockpit, so you’ll have to take my word for it that he’s inside. True Star Wars aficionados may wonder why he’s in an X-Wing rather than a TIE fighter. We can only surmise that he captured the X-Wing and is escaping from the rebels.

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Posted in Islam, jokes, Mohammed cartoons | Tagged: , | 2 Comments »

Some Obama Jokes

Posted by Dan Draney on March 24, 2010

It’s good to see the professional comedians finally stepping up to address the long-standing, nationwide shortage of Obama-related humor materials. We need something to cheer us up, as the President and his friends in Congress continue  with his plans to demolish the productive parts of the economy. [Hat tip for these to UnklB]:

The liberals are asking us to give Obama time. We agree and think 25 to life would be appropriate.

America needs Obama-care like Nancy Pelosi needs a Halloween mask. -Leno

Q: Have you heard about McDonald’s’ new Obama Value Meal?
A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it. -O’Brien

Q: What does Barack Obama call lunch with a convicted felon?
A: A fund raiser. -Leno

Q: What’s the difference between Obama’s cabinet and a penitentiary?
A: One is filled with tax evaders, blackmailers and threats to society. The other is for housing prisoners. -Letterman

Q: If Nancy Pelosi and Obama were on a boat in the middle of the ocean and it started to sink, who would be saved?
A: America! -Fallon

Q: What’s the difference between Obama and his dog, Bo?
A: Bo has papers. -Kimmel

Q: What was the most positive result of the “Cash for clunkers” program?
A: It took 95% of the Obama bumper stickers off the road. -Letterman

If you find yourself still wanting more Obama-related humor, go here and/or set the DLMSY Wayback Machine for Obama Jokes to see past releases from our Strategic Joke Reserve.

[For the record: I think the birth certificate “issue” is a non-issue, but I smiled at the joke anyway.]

Posted in jokes, Obama jokes | Leave a Comment »

Are You a Socialist?

Posted by Dan Draney on February 27, 2010

You might be a socialist if…
You think it’s “best to spread the wealth around”

You might be a socialist if…
You go to political rallies in the middle of the week
And no one misses work
Except the government workers

You might be a socialist if…
You strongly believe “The Rich” don’t pay their fair share of taxes
But you can’t define “Rich”
Or “Fair”
And you don’t know what they are paying now

You might be a socialist if…

You believe it is necessary to destroy capitalism in order to save it

Or…
If you think it’s patriotic to pay taxes
But you don’t actually pay any yourself

You might be a socialist if…
You think it’s a “giveaway” to let someone keep his/her earnings, but you think people who aren’t paying any taxes deserve a “tax cut,” too.

You might be a socialist, if you think the government owes more loyalty to those getting money from it than to those paying for it.

If you think government spending creates jobs, but…
You never consider the jobs destroyed by taxes and borrowing to raise the money, and…
Most of the permanent jobs “created or saved” by your plan seem to be in government, then you just might be a socialist.
If you call for America to return to a time of “savings and investment,” but…
You think a tax increase is “savings”
And government spending is “investment”

You might be a socialist if…
You rant about the deficit you inherited
And claim to be “cutting the deficit in half”
Without mentioning that you’re quadrupling it first

You might be a socialist if,your preferred solution for a crisis due to massive, unsustainable private debt is to permanently expand government spending as much and as fast as possible to generate massive, unsustainable government debt. Because clearly the best cure for a hangover is to drink ever more heavily and never sober up.

“You never want to let a good crisis go to waste.” Rahm Emanuel

You might be a socialist if you see a compelling need to redistribute other people’s wealth, but you never considered how wealth gets created in the first place. You’ve got that “destroying wealth” thing down, though.

You might be a socialist, if you think private decisions in the marketplace are dangerous, because people will act in their own interests. But political decisions are better because politicians and bureaucrats will… act in their own interests.

If you swear you don’t want to run the all the banks, but..
You want to control what they pay their employees
And who they lend to
And the terms of the loans
And get some for yourself, of course
Then you might be a socialist

If you don’t want to run the car companies, but…
You just want to decide who’s the CEO
And who’s on the Board of Directors
And what kind of cars to make and how many of each
And where the plants are, and the wages paid
And give “tax cuts” with car purchases
And cover the warranty
Then you just might be a socialist.

You might be a socialist, if you think borrowing your way out of debt makes perfect sense. Because doubling the size of government will stimulate the economy just like a falling boulder stimulates Wile E. Coyote.

You might be a socialist, if you think a massive, new government healthcare entitlement is going to “save” money. Because government does such a good job with… There must be something? You might be a socialist, if you have to be glued to your teleprompter at all times to avoid accidentally blurting out your true aims and opinions and scaring people. You might be a socialist, if you think penalizing success and subsidizing failure is a good way to produce anything other than less success and more failure.

You might be a socialist, if you think getting the government to spend other people’s money means you are generous, and if they don’t like it, they’re greedy.

You might be a socialist, if too much private, corporate power scares you, but you’re comforted by thoughts of a large, benevolent government that can take care of everyone. You might be a socialist, if that nasty, fat, ugly, drug-user, Nazi Rush Limbaugh really makes you puke, because he’s such a “Hater.” But you’re comforted by thoughts of a large, benevolent government that can take care of him, too

You might be a socialist, if you think bankers are evil for refusing loans to people who can’t pay them back and that bankers are evil for making loans to people who can’t pay them back. You might be a socialist, if you think US companies exploit poor countries by doing business with them and that US companies exploit Cuba by not doing business with them.

You might be a socialist, if this presidential succession tree doesn’t scare the daylights out of you: Barack Obama; Joe Biden; Nancy Pelosi; Robert Byrd; Hilary Clinton; and Timothy Geithner.

If you hate creeping socialism, but you support Essential Government Programs to Preserve The Family Farm, or Crop price “stabilization,” or ethanol fuel subsidies, then you just might be a part of the socialism problem.

If you oppose wasteful government spending, but you think that $19 million footbridge across the Missouri “created jobs,” and it was federal money, so it didn’t cost Nebraskans anything, then you just might be part of the socialism problem.

You might be part of the socialism problem, if you think all the problems we’re facing were caused by one party. Or that conservative, Constitutional principles are a problem rather than the solution. Or that political “moderation” is a virtue. Or that you can go back to sleep once the Republicans are in charge.

You might be a socialist, but it’s not too late to change course.

Posted in jokes, Obama jokes, socialism, tea party | Leave a Comment »

Future News: Election 2010 Report

Posted by Dan Draney on February 23, 2010

The morning after voters issued a historic rebuke to the Democrats, party officials struggled to comprehend the magnitude of the loss. Two years ago the Democrats appeared to have established a permanent grip on the Washington levers of power. Yesterday, every Democrat in the House lost, and the only Senate Democrats to escape the electoral tsunami were those who were not up for reelection. A party operative, speaking on condition of anonymity in order to trash his colleagues, conceded that the party’s legislative strategy might have been an error. “By ramming a series of huge, costly, unpopular measures through the Congress on party-line votes, we lost many moderate voters. When your agenda is opposed by over 80% of sentient voters, using parliamentary shenanigans to pass it makes you appear a little arrogant.”

Happier times when the TARP cookie jar was full

A chastened President Obama accepted his share of the blame while reading from his teleprompter to a group of reporters gathered in the Presidential Bunker. “We failed to communicate clearly enough to the voters how much they are going to like these programs once it’s too late to repeal them. We need to do a better job of that. I need new speech writers.” In October, President Obama held more press conferences and gave more speeches than Presidents Bush and Clinton combined in their entire terms. However, the President feels he could have done more, “I need to get out and speak directly with the press, academics, union officials, and, you know, the little people clinging to their guns and butter.” The ratings of his fourteen televised speeches during the last week of the campaign were so low that only MSNBC would only run them and only in the middle of the night.

Exit polls in several states showed Democratic candidates failing to gain even a majority of registered Democrats. It was no surprise to see Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid lose his bid for re-election, but few predicted he would come in third behind the Raving Loony Party, whose candidate was put up as a joke by some college students.

In the House, Speaker Nancy Pelosi lost her seat to Republican newcomer Pat Lapin, the first openly transgendered congressperson. The Speaker was clearly a lost cause after she broke down during a televised debate with Lapin and began screaming incoherently about “f-ing Teabaggers.” Lapin seized the moment with the quip, “Ich bin ein Teabagger.” The audience roared its approval, and the electoral rout was assured.

Senator Reid and Speaker Pelosi remain committed to completing the passage of the Obama agenda this year during the lame duck session of Congress. “We have a once in a lifetime opportunity to get these programs enacted while the Democratic majority is intact,” said Reid today. These plans may be hampered by the fact that most of the defeated Congressmen appear to have gone into hiding.

Posted in fake news, jokes, Obama jokes, socialism, tea party | 3 Comments »

Interesting Site Traffic

Posted by Dan Draney on November 7, 2008


On a normal day DLMSY gets 50-75 visitors, but since TheOne’s Ascension things have really been hopping. On Election Day, it spiked to 165. Yesterday, day 1 of the Age of Obama, there were 442, and today with 2 hrs to go we’re already over 300. What’s happening here?

The vast majority of the visitors are arriving from search sites and landing at our Obama Jokes page. Obviously, the nation’s comedians are in a panic, fearing for their jobs. They have just realized that in a few short weeks George W. Bush and Dick Cheney jokes will be as worthless as our retirement accounts. Sure Joe Biden provides many, rich opportunities, but we’ve already seen how quickly that source can dry up when Team Obama puts Joe under wraps.

With the shortage of Obama jokes and the soaring demand, sellers of these jokes are raising prices, leading to an investigation by the Illinois Attorney General.


There is another, more sinister possible explanation for the sudden surge in search activity. Most keywords for DLMSY hits were variations on the theme of “racist Obama jokes.” Perhaps an army of Obama supporters is compiling a master list of enemies…

Posted in jokes, Obama, Obama jokes | Leave a Comment »

Another Funny SNL Skit

Posted by Dan Draney on October 26, 2008

This one features Rep. Jack Murtha (D-PA) and Sen. Joe Biden (D-Mars) talking to a crowd of Obama supporters in Pennsylvania. It’s just a slight exaggeration of what these turkeys actually said this week. Maybe it is time to start recording the show on the DVR so we can watch the good parts later.

Posted in general nuttiness, jokes | Leave a Comment »

Saturday Night Live Becoming Funny Again?

Posted by Dan Draney on September 28, 2008

At least in some skits that seems to be the case:

We’re not yet convinced enough to actually watch the show again, or even invest the DVR space on it. The funny part of these, of course, is the willingness to make fun of the liberals as well as the conservatives. We’ll see if that holds up.

Posted in jokes, Obama | Leave a Comment »

Another Obama Joke

Posted by Dan Draney on August 27, 2008

An anxious nation waits breathlessly for Obama-related humor. Here’s another release from the Strategic Joke Reserve to ease the shortage:

Poor John Edwards has gone from VP nominee to non-person in just a few short weeks after admitting he was lying and the National Enquirer was telling the truth. Sen. Obama, showing his Heart of Gold, expressed sympathy for Edwards. “The man has suffered enough,” said Obama, “He’s already been punished with a baby. Based on the smell of that baby, I’m calling for a Change We Can Believe in.”

Posted in jokes, Obama | Leave a Comment »

Obama Jokes

Posted by Dan Draney on August 17, 2008

There is certainly a dearth of jokes about Obama, although given the things he’s said and done there is obviously plenty of material out there. Partly this is because he and his acolytes are so humorless. They’re liable to take offense at any joke about Obama they deem to be in bad taste (i.e. any joke). It’s almost less risky to make jokes about Mohammed and rely on that famous Muslim sense of humor.
If John McCain or GWB or, Heaven forbid, Dan Quayle had dropped some of the pearls that have fallen from Obama’s lips, those words would be staples of late night comedy. So far those comedy jabs that are thrown in Obama’s general direction are mainly aimed at the fawning media cloud that surrounds him. Well, at least it’s a start.
In view of this critical shortage, we have decided to release some of the Strategic Joke Reserve to alleviate the crisis. As a longer term solution, we favor increasing the domestic production of Obama jokes rather than depending on uncertain foreign supplies from Europe and the Middle East.

Obama’s campaign has set new world speed records in its sprint from the far left to the center. He isn’t flip flopping or abandoning his principles, though. He just takes a wide stance. When he got to the center, he found himself. Turns out he was the one he was waiting for there.

Unnerved by a tough question from a 7-year old about whether or not war is ever justified, Obama struggled to come up with an answer. Finally, he allowed that he would probably have supported World War II, reluctantly. “After the Germans dropped The Bomb on Pearl Harbor, President Truman really didn’t have much choice but to declare war,” said the Senator.

As part of the “Spare Change America Can Believe In” program, the Obama campaign today announced a plan to increase the number of states to 62. According to the press release, the plan would add five additional states, “We’re going to bring in all three Canadian provinces, plus Alaska and Idahoe.”

One reason you hear so few jokes about Obama is the threat of a special, Windbag Profits Tax on profiteers who take advantage of the shortage.

Obama’s campaign is really frustrated at the persistent myths and falsehoods that continue to circulate about the candidate. For inexplicable reasons, many people continue to believe that: his middle name is Hussein: as a political gesture he refused to wear a flag pin on his lapel; he and his family went to a church with a nutty, racist pastor for 20 yrs; he thinks Middle Americans cling to their guns, religion and xenophobia; and he hangs around with unrepentant terrorists and crooked real estate developers. Please do your best to set the record straight on these points.

We wrote these jokes, so if you quote them, don’t forget to link here. If a simple Nebraska blogger can write Obama jokes in just a few minutes, just think of what dedicated, comedy professionals working full time can accomplish. Now that’s change we can believe in.

It’s funny, but it’s no joke: It seems any criticism of The One is irrefutable evidence that the critic is a racist. Just in case you’re wondering where you stand personally, a recent post in The Corner at National Review Online listed 25 signs you might be a racist. Here are the top 10:

1.If you think Obama’s the most liberal member of the senate you…may be a racist.
2.If you object to Obama raising your payroll, capital gains and estate taxes you…may be a racist.
3.If you’d prefer a president have at least some foreign policy experience you…may be a racist.
4. If you’re in favor of drilling for oil and building nuclear power plants you…may be a racist.
5. If you think “Vero Possemus” is Latin for “Massive Ego” you… may be a racist.
6. If you wonder why Obama was hanging around William Ayers and Bernadine Dohrn you…may be a racist.
7. If your pastor is nothing like Rev. Wright or Father Pfleger you… may be a racist.
8.If you don’t want the majority of justices on the Supreme Court to be like Stephen Breyer you…may be a racist.
9. If you’re not impressed with Obama’s 100% NARAL rating you…may be a racist.
10. If you’re not sure whether Obama opposed or supported FISA reauthorization you…may be a racist.

To which we’ll add: If you make any jokes about any aspect of Obama’s policies, speeches, cronies, or general amorphousness, you may be a racist.

UPDATE: Added links to the original incidents inspring the jokes, since not everyone knows them yet.

Post Election Update: There are additional Obama jokes on this blog and elsewhere.

Posted in jokes, Obama, Obama jokes | 1 Comment »

 
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