Don't Let Me Stop You

What the heck, you'll do what you want anyway.

Free the Peep-le

Posted by Dan Draney on March 19, 2005

We believe fervently that animals should be afforded all the rights of humans, including unemployment compensation, Medicaid, and AFDC payments. We hold these truths to be self-evident: that experimenting upon or eating the flesh of any animal (with the possible exception of people who wear fur or leather) is simply wrong.

Recently, a horrific new line of animal experimentation has been opened that must be nipped in the bud:

Developmental Biology Online: Peeps: “Peeps, a sibling species to chickens and composed primarily of marshmallow, are always born as conjoined quintuplets. Some scientists have theorized that this arrangement serves as a natural protection against predators. As evidence, note that Peeps are most often consumed by predators only after they have been separated. Here, surgery is done to separate Peep siblings. (Part of a larger effort to understand the complex behavior and physiology of Peeps: PeepResearch.org.)”

This account of “surgery” on these conjoined-marshmallow-Americans-of-indeterminate-gender shows the barbarity of those promoting this perversion of science. The crudeness of the tools and procedures employed make clear the true motives of the “researchers.” The victims are described as “volunteers,” as if informed consent could be given to this speciesist assault on the basic peep family unit. What chance of survival do these poor, mutilated creatures have now that their chief protection against predators has been stripped away?

The perpetrators of these pernicious policies plainly place their personal plans for pursuing Phds above the poignant plight of the poor peeps. They hide behind high-sounding scientific jargon, cloaking themselves in the mantle of objective truth-seekers. However, further investigations into this organization confirm our suspicions that this entire “study” is little more than a pathetic excuse to torture these harmless, squshy, little darlings.

Marshmallow-based lifeforms are entitled to the same rights as carbon-based bipeds. To counter this peep-sploitation we have formed an organization called People for the Idiotic Treatment of Animals (PITA). Our first act will be to picket the Peep Research Center, as soon as we can locate it. We understand it can be found at Port 80, which is evidently on the coast.

Power to the Peeps!

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One Response to “Free the Peep-le”

  1. MonicaR said

    Hilarious. I never liked Peeps so it was fun to watch the results of the experiments…

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